How to Get Rich Quick: Become a Farmer

Just follow these 11 easy steps to find out how to "make it" as a farmer.

1.  Start with a shipment of heritage chicks.

2.  Build them a luxurious house with a large outside enclosure.

3.  Purchase an incubator.

4.  Wait until the chickens are old enough to produce fertile eggs (six months), then collect eggs over a period of seven days.

5.  Watch, wait and pray for three weeks.

6.  Entertain your kids for hours observing chicks hatching out of eggs.

7.  Start to panic after 24 hours and open the box to remove chicks (it smelled really bad in there).  Discover several hours later that you killed the remaining six chicks in their eggs by altering the humidity too much during the move.

8.  Enjoy the chicks for an evening, then drive them to a farm in the morning.  Comfort your weeping children.

9.  Introduce the chicks to hundreds of Cornish Cross chickens (who will grow large very quickly, but will never be able to fly or walk correctly).    

10.  Check out their future home.  Our heritage Delaware chickens will lead a happy pasture-raised life on this farm.

11.  Collect your check for 22 dollars.  Pray that people at farmer's market will be interested in paying more money for heritage chicken meat so you can start the process all over again in a few months.

We may see our first profits in 2014!  At that time we will start looking into buying our second home in Italy.

The Ghost of Halloween Past

I was looking for a specific picture in my mom's great box of old photographs when I ran across some old Halloween pictures.  I discovered how horribly unimaginative I have been with my most recent costumes.  For example, in 2008, I went for the first time as a "belly dancer."

Imagine my shock when I found this photograph from 1986.  There I was: a scantily-clad belly dancer.  I'm not sure what my sister is.  Any guesses?

 In 2009, something drove me to put on a plastic bag and fill it with balloons.  I called myself a "bag of jelly beans."

My mom claimed she made up the idea.  Sure...Oh wait, dammit no!  I found this revealing photograph from 1985.  The hat really made this costume.  

My senior year of high school I found a short, sequined  dress in my sister's closet.  I decided to go as a lady of the night (someone who exchanges certain favors for money).  I think I really fit the part and could have made a pretty penny out on the streets, if I don't say so myself.

Later, as I got to the end of the box of photos, I learned I had merely stolen my sister's Winter Formal look from four years earlier.  She classed the dress up with some black pantyhose and earrings.  

After looking at all of the pictures, I now know my only options this year are clown or bunny.  Happy Halloween!