Goat Babies Coming in April!

Leche started crying last night like she was ill.  My mom kept going out to the pasture to check on her, thinking something was seriously wrong.  This morning we saw her out in the middle of the pasture shaking her tail with vigor.  Banjo's stench was floating all the way down to the front pasture and it was driving Leche to the brink.  We debated for a few hours this morning and then decided to let Banjo and Leche have an afternoon together.

Leche was not shy about her desire for Banjo.  She threw herself at him.

Banjo in turn sprayed his face with urine.  Leche watched and found it strangely erotic.

After a few minutes of courting, copulation began with a bang.  Pearl was quite concerned about Leche.  She has a healthy fear of Banjo.

Thirty minutes later, the mating extravaganza was over.  The happy couple nuzzled each other as Pearl feed the other goats.  

The due date is April 18!  We are hoping for some girls this year.  Job well done Leche and Banjo!

Heritage Turkey, Anyone?

As Thanksgiving approaches, many people are thinking about what to make for dinner.  Many of our friends will go to the grocery store to buy a Butterball turkey from one of the factory farms.  The big-breasted, fatty turkeys are cheap.  If one takes a moment to imagine the lives of those turkeys, he or she would reconsider having a Butterball as the centerpiece of a very special meal.  This year, we will be eating one of our own heritage chickens raised in our backyard instead.

Next year, we have decided we want to raise our own turkey dinner and we want to extend that opportunity to our family, friends and neighbors as well.  Glenn will be placing an order with Porter's Rare Heritage Turkeys this week.  The poults will arrive on our farm in late May, and will be ready to eat during the holiday season.  We will raise the turkeys with kindness and respect.  They will be free to eat a normal turkey diet (bugs, mice, plants and anything else they forage) and will be supplemented with local feed.

How can you get involved?

1.  Email us at beneficialbee@gmail.com to let us know if you would like to purchase a turkey (please let us know ASAP!).  We are ordering:

Tiger Bronze

and Sweetgrass.

2.  If you give us a ten dollar deposit on your turkey, we will sell you a turkey for $6/pound in November.  The turkeys will be between 15 to 30 pounds.  Your turkey will arrive ready to put in the oven.

3.  Please visit your turkey!  We think this is a great opportunity for children (and adults) to learn about where their food comes from.  Turkeys are really friendly and children (and adults) love to hear their gobbling sounds.  Oh, and pony rides are free, too.

4.  Any turkeys not claimed will be sold at $7-8/pound in November and December.

Next year, consider helping out a local, family-owned farm, keeping rare turkey breeds from going extinct and sticking it to the "man."  Or buy a store turkey....

Thank you to PETA for the image.  I decided not to show the video.  I think you all get the point.

How to Get Rich Quick: Become a Farmer

Just follow these 11 easy steps to find out how to "make it" as a farmer.

1.  Start with a shipment of heritage chicks.

2.  Build them a luxurious house with a large outside enclosure.

3.  Purchase an incubator.

4.  Wait until the chickens are old enough to produce fertile eggs (six months), then collect eggs over a period of seven days.

5.  Watch, wait and pray for three weeks.

6.  Entertain your kids for hours observing chicks hatching out of eggs.

7.  Start to panic after 24 hours and open the box to remove chicks (it smelled really bad in there).  Discover several hours later that you killed the remaining six chicks in their eggs by altering the humidity too much during the move.

8.  Enjoy the chicks for an evening, then drive them to a farm in the morning.  Comfort your weeping children.

9.  Introduce the chicks to hundreds of Cornish Cross chickens (who will grow large very quickly, but will never be able to fly or walk correctly).    

10.  Check out their future home.  Our heritage Delaware chickens will lead a happy pasture-raised life on this farm.

11.  Collect your check for 22 dollars.  Pray that people at farmer's market will be interested in paying more money for heritage chicken meat so you can start the process all over again in a few months.

We may see our first profits in 2014!  At that time we will start looking into buying our second home in Italy.

The Ghost of Halloween Past

I was looking for a specific picture in my mom's great box of old photographs when I ran across some old Halloween pictures.  I discovered how horribly unimaginative I have been with my most recent costumes.  For example, in 2008, I went for the first time as a "belly dancer."

Imagine my shock when I found this photograph from 1986.  There I was: a scantily-clad belly dancer.  I'm not sure what my sister is.  Any guesses?

 In 2009, something drove me to put on a plastic bag and fill it with balloons.  I called myself a "bag of jelly beans."

My mom claimed she made up the idea.  Sure...Oh wait, dammit no!  I found this revealing photograph from 1985.  The hat really made this costume.  

My senior year of high school I found a short, sequined  dress in my sister's closet.  I decided to go as a lady of the night (someone who exchanges certain favors for money).  I think I really fit the part and could have made a pretty penny out on the streets, if I don't say so myself.

Later, as I got to the end of the box of photos, I learned I had merely stolen my sister's Winter Formal look from four years earlier.  She classed the dress up with some black pantyhose and earrings.  

After looking at all of the pictures, I now know my only options this year are clown or bunny.  Happy Halloween!  

A Miniature Horse: Five Lessons

My mom found a miniature horse on Craig's List a couple of weeks ago and sent a simple email, "Can we?"  We went to visit Smokey and fell in love.  He was a good mixture of cute and sassy and had the prettiest mane.  My mom bought him on the spot and Smokey moved in a week later.  Becoming horse owners for the first time has been an eye-opening experience.  Here are the things we have found out so far.

1.  Miniature Horse People are the Absolute Coolest

Because Glenn wants only "purposeful" animals on the farm, he started investigating the purpose of having a mini horse.  And boy, was he blown away.  Miniature horses can be fitted to a cart to lug around goods.  Glenn is ready to buy a cart so we can dress up the children in pioneer clothing and have Smokey pull them around the center of town.  People with mini horses can do things like that.  We can also now wear "horse fashion."  I bought this vest for myself:

   

And I bought this more masculine vest for Glenn:

2.  Riding a Miniature Horse is Really Fun 

Just ask Oliver.  It is so, so fun.  Oliver would eat and sleep while riding Smokey if we would let him.   

Here is Oliver going "hands-free."  

And in this video, Oliver completes his first jump on a horse!

3.  Don't F*** with A Mini Horse

Smokey is a bad ass.  Don't eat his apple; he will bite your back.  Don't try to walk by him when he is trying to steal grain; he will kick the crap out of you.  Lotta and the goats have learned Smokey is in charge.  Here is a picture of Smokey meeting the pasture animals for the first time.  He was trying to give off his best stallion vibe.

4.  Smokey's Stuff Makes for Hours of Entertainment

Smokey's penis has often become the topic of conversation since he moved in.  Oliver will say to me, "Smokey has his penis out.  He needs some privacy." or "He's waving with it, Mommy!"  I have to admit, sometimes it's hard for me to divert my eyes.  Especially when he is waving at me with it.  

5.  Miniature Horses Need A Lot of Attention

Horses need much more time and care than goats and alpaca.  Grammy and Oliver brush Smokey every day and clean out his hooves before Oliver rides.  Smokey is like a child; his behavior must be monitored at all times.  Don't buy a horse unless you are ready to spend hours in the pasture.  So far, we are loving the excuse!

Baking a Birthday Cake

I made it to the age of 33 without ever having made a cake.  For the past couple of years I have heard this little voice calling from deep inside, "Bake a cake, Jessica!  You can do it."  Cake baking is a talent that has been passed down from generation to generation in both of our families.  Glenn's sister can whip up an amazing cake creation for every occasion.  This cake she created for her daughter who loves skateboarding.

My mom (who once won a "Mrs. Betty Crocker baking award) has provided me with 33 fantastic birthday cakes over the years.  She is so talented, she began making Oliver's birthday cakes as well.  Here is the cake she made for Oliver's fourth birthday.  It was a pink castle and scary dragon theme.

Glenn and I knew we possessed the genes to make a pretty great cake.  We decided we would spend the day making a cake for Pearl's first birthday.  We sat down the evening before her birthday celebration and began to discuss the type of cake we would make.  Glenn searched for "pearl birthday cake" and this cake popped up.

"Perfect!," I said.  Glenn read the instructions and showed me what we would have to do to build the cake.  First we would have to start with a wood base.  Then we found out the shell is made of hardened Rice Krispies and is covered with colored fondant.  The pearl is even made out of chocolate and has an actual pearl necklace inside.  I knew we found the wrong cake-too damn fancy.  If you want to spend 1000 hours on a cake, read this: Freaking Hard Cake Recipe.  Maybe when Pearl is ten and I have made a few more cakes, I will give that one a shot.

The morning of her birthday celebration, we headed to town to buy all of the ingredients we needed to make Pearl's cake.  Glenn has made many cakes in his day and felt comfortable teaching us all how to mix eggs, flour and sugar.  The cake baking part went well until Glenn realized he doubled the recipe online, then doubled it again in his head.  Glenn tuned pale and began clutching his head like he was having an aneurysm.  I started yelling, "What is happening!?  Talk to me.  Someone call 9-1-1!"  He finally admitted his mistake and I calmed down.  Needless to say we had tons of batter.

Fondant making was easier than I imagined.  Thank you to Glenn for finding an easy fondant recipe.  Oliver and I greased up and kneaded and kneaded that sugar into something smooth and beautiful.

Glenn is somewhat of a master at using the rolling pin.  It is another one of his hidden talents.  I did not want to mess up the cake so far into the process, so I was happy to have Glenn roll the fondant into a perfect circle.  We frosted the cakes and added fruit to make it "healthy" and then Glenn gently rolled the fondant onto the cake.

Pearl went down for a nap, Glenn left to put the clothes out on the line and I was stuck with a perfect white cake to decorate.  I finally got up the nerve to add a pearl necklace to the base of the cake.  I took tons of pictures because I was sure I would mess up the lettering in some way.

I can now tell you how a doctor might feel during a complicated cardiac surgery or a pilot might feel knowing he has to land the plane in a river.  Cake decorating is really stressful.  I wiped my brow with a hand towel and went in with my first handmade string of lavender fondant.  Slowly I spelled out "Pearl" and added a "1" because there was no way I was going to write "birthday."  I added some pretty green pearls and then guarded the thing with my life.

And of course, she loved it.  Or the pretty candle. Whatever.

I have to say, baking a cake all day was pretty great.  This may be a new family tradition for us.  Happy Birthday Pearl!